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missing connections.

i’ve been feeling pretty lonely lately. life has consisted of a lot of “me time”. 

my roommate has been spending a lot of time with her boyfriend. it’s understandable, but sometimes it seems to be too much. he has lupus so she acts like his mother sometimes in trying to get him to achieve the best health possible. sounds cute and caring in theory, but when you see it for yourself it seems a little overbearing at times.

i miss my other 15 housemates from my south africa trip. we see each other every monday and sometimes on the weekends. yet, it’s strange to not have them surrounding me from the time i make breakfast to the time i brush my teeth before bed.

i haven’t seen my family in a while either. i saw them all once so far this semester, which isn’t too bad but i’m starting to yearn for their company. i especially need to see my dad’s side of the family, since we’re so used to seeing each other every sunday.

i think the worst part is that my group of friends from my town are MIA. two of them aren’t living on campus this semester and the rest go to different schools. 

we all know that being alone for too long may very well lead to over-thinking, panic, and depression. i can sense those feelings starting to stir, so i need to fix this before it gets out of hand. i’m so used to being by myself that i tend to forget that too much of it can be risky. my situation isn’t horrible, but i could definitely try to improve it. i’ll be going home on sunday to celebrate my brother’s birthday. i’m also probably going out saturday night with some friends. 

i really just need some hugs and deep conversations. that’s not asking too much, is it?

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.
Unknown  (via psych-facts)
a much needed rant.

tonight, i went to my friend’s event at school. his frat puts on this annual gala every year. we dress up, get free food, listen to some speakers and then go to an after-party. the gala was pretty nice but the party (which we were all looking forward to) fell short.

to be honest, i wasn’t in a good mood after the first part of the event. i think i was feeling lonely since everyone else was paired with their significant other. i’ve always dealt with this kind of situation, but it really hit me tonight. i tried getting hyped up for the party but it didn’t work. i had to third wheel it with my roommate and her bf. i’ve come so far since the beginning of college in learning how to dance, meet people and cut loose…yet i felt like i was a scared little freshman all over again. i danced with a couple of guys, but the majority of the night i was dancing awkwardly near my roommate and her boyfriend. they were fine with it but i felt so incompetent that i didn’t have a date or a group of friends to hang with in the meantime. my friend that invited me to the event didn’t even dance with me, and he’s my dance partner for latin fest this year!

the worst is that i took so much time to get ready and look nice. i actually thought i looked beautiful. in the end, i just feel like it was wasted. i can’t even complain though because i push most guys away if they event attempt to get close to me. i don’t know what i want. 

granted it’s only one night and it wasn’t my fault (my roommate agreed she felt weird too) but i’m upset. i’m tired of always being alone. i’m tired of getting myself all dolled up so i can attract guys, just to turn them down. i’m tired of seeing all these people in long-term relationships when i know i’d be an awesome girlfriend. i’m tired of people saying they’ll “find someone for me” like i’m incapable of getting one on my own. i’m tired of not being anyone’s number one. it’s all so cheesy and lame and i’m still young and one day EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT but it still sucks.

if i can’t be with anyone, i at least want my full independence asap. after graduation, i’m gonna begin my career, eventually move out, and live comfortably by myself. everything will go according to the way i want it to and i’ll be happily alone. good deal. 

i don’t know who i’m kidding here…

currently, i eat a well balanced diet of protein, whole grains, dairy, veggies and fruit. on the weekends, i’ll indulge in drinking one night or having some desserts.   

i exercise 3 days a week for an hour (mostly cardio). i also do three days of ab workouts, along with stretching.

i try my best not to be sedentary. i walk to my classes and i spend a 12 and 6 hour shift running around the hospital. i balance family/friend time with studying and me time. 

this is the kind of lifestyle i’ve been living since i reached the end stages of my recovery. pretty healthy, i’d say. unfortunately, my mindset is lacking. i can’t seem to get rid of the desire to lose weight. i want to be thin. i want to have the limbs that my patients have when they’re weak and lacking nutrition. (how sick is that!?) deep down, i know that i won’t ever become the ideally thin shape that i dream about. i need to get over the fact that i was meant to have curves and a medium-sized structure. some things make it better. i’ll wear clothes that flatter my figure, put on a little make-up and style my hair. it provides me with more confidence in myself. still, i struggle with my body image on a daily basis.

as of now, i’m forever looking into my full-length mirror, picking and prodding all the “excess” i wish would just disappear. taking up space is daunting. maybe one day i’ll know what that space is meant to become. 

having a full length mirror in my new room…

probably isn’t the best thing for my current mental state.

i’ve acknowledged that the return of my ED thoughts is due to the stress i’m undergoing from school/searching for a job.

great. :/

triggers.

when i was in south africa, i had trouble at first accepting my body. no one had ass or thighs as big as mine, and i felt very uncomfortable. eventually, from self-growth, perspective, and encouragement from my friends, i learned to love my body for it’s unique characteristics. 

now that i’m at school, it’s a different story. i’m among a population that’s composed mostly of thin white girls. additionally, this type of girl considered the “standard of beauty” here. i feel like i’m competing with all these beauty queens and i don’t measure up. on top of that, all of my professors seemed to have lost weight since i was gone. i was also looking at pictures of myself from a couple years ago and i envied my previously thin body. 

all of this makes me feel like i have no “self-control” in comparison to everyone else. a desire to make myself smaller is slowly rising to the surface. the scary thing is that i know exactly how to do it. i know the methods and secrets all too well. i can drop the weight quickly and easily. i live in an apartment, where i can prepare my own meals and eat them alone in my room. plus, the gym is only a 10 minute walk away. how perfect, right?

the thing is, i can’t. i won’t allow myself. those thoughts and behaviors are what caused me to lose my mind entirely. it led me to depression, anxiety, malnutrition and a bi-weekly schedule of appointments with a nutritionist/therapist. i can’t go back to that, especially since i’ve made so much progress…to the point that i’m almost rid of this illness completely. i might try to reason with myself that losing weight can be a normal thing but i know deep down that i was never meant to be thin. in fact, no part of me is small. big eyes, big nose, big hair, big feet, big ass, big thighs, big calves, big hips. the rest is i guess what you would consider “average”. the only way i can appreciate these attributes is reasoning that my presence was made to be noticed, for one reason or another. i don’t really know why, but i for some crazy reason believe it to be true. 

i’ll try to telling that to myself that as i stand in front of the mirror, turning at various angles, sucking in my stomach and pinching my love handles. in the end, i’ll breakdown and give up because i know nothing will change. this is my body, and this is what i have to work with. it’s taken years of work to even begin to accept my “natural” body image and it will take even more to completely love it. 

once you know it…

you see it all around you. it may not even present as tears or a frown. it is a look of apathy, accompanied with silence. they are all too familiar with it and greet it with a passive sigh. you know that sigh as well. 

and since you know it, you feel some kind of pull to connect with them. you offer a gentle, understanding smile. your eyes deepen with empathy. you focus all your attention towards them, nodding every now and then. you let them know you will always be present if they are in need of someone to listen. sometimes it helps and other times it makes no difference. either way, it is usually the only action you can take

we are taught from a young age to stand up for someone if they are being bullied or to try to cheer someone up if they look sad. it took years of experience to figure out that this is only a temporary aid. there are still layers upon layers existing beneath the issue at hand. sometimes it never goes away. a chronic disability, if you will. it lingers and rears its ugly head without warning, making the person’s mind its new home. and you watch it consume that person.  

it hurts me to see this, especially when the person is my brother or my father or my friend. i am reminded over and over that i cannot fix the problem. i cannot concoct an effective remedy. it creates an emptiness inside of me. i used to think i was capable of saving someone. truth is, no one can do that.  

so i sit. i open my eyes and ears and then watch as they continue on with their lives, still limping. i can only be there with them and wait until they return. and hopefully, they will.

lovely loneliness.

the feeling has found me again, as it does often. it’s my default feeling of loneliness. it’s all too familiar now, and it doesn’t bother me much anymore. in fact, i miss it once i do become close to someone. i crave to enter my state of isolation where i’m free to settle with my own thoughts. it’s warming and comforting in a way. i allow it to encircle my body and use it as a definition of my soul.

but then i imagine a love that would lie next to me in such times. he wraps his arms around me as he kisses my shoulders, neck, hands, cheeks and forehead. 

and all at once he vanishes. it is my own arm hugging my waist. it is my own lips touching my wrists. i am along. but i can love myself. i can look in the mirror and admire by big, green eyes and my long, curly locks of hair. i can compliment my long, freshly painted nails and my sharp taste in fashion. i can tell myself how sweet and intelligent i am. 

i don’t need a cure for my illness. i am my only cure. i just need someone who cares. and is it selfish to want someone to adore me as much as i adore him?

that’s pretty emotional. how frightening. 

i want someone. i don’t want someone. i’ll just wait until i want nothing more than to have him breathe next to me. whoever “he” may be. 

i’ll be dreaming in the meantime. it’s all i can do. 

stoppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

i keep thinking about that guy in south africa. whenever my mind is free to wander, it always turns to that. it wouldn’t be a problem if it was because i missed him or was in a state of nostalgia. instead, i can only picture the night where i freaked out because i thought he was gonna try to go too far physically. i totally shut down and separated myself from him. eventually he calmed me down and i felt okay, but that’s the only thing that i can think about now. WHAT THE FUCK. and then my mind goes to the whole WHAT IF I’M PREGNANT. even though my menstruation cycle has been normal and the fact that I’M A VIRGIN. 

i don’t need a psych analysis because i already know what my issue is. that night, i had taken my shirt off for the first time with a guy. for me, that’s a big deal. also, i had been to his apartment a couple times with no one there but us. so this big progression of intimacy found it’s way into the anxious part of my brain and took over. after that night, i didn’t want to even kiss him anymore. i felt like i had been taken advantage of, when in reality he did nothing wrong. 

in short, i just want these stupid, senseless feelings to leave my mind. i’m so sick of having to worry constantly that something bad is gonna happen to me. if it’s not food, exercise or body image, it’s something else. i didn’t do anything wrong but i continue to beat myself up over this thing. “how could you do that?” “what were you thinking?” “you should be ashamed!” i wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

i may just do that.

hopefully i just had a anxiety-filled day and tomorrow will get better. i’ve been sitting on the couch all day, which leaves me ample time to think. not good for me. i should also talk more about it to my friends if it’s causing me so much mental angst. i can’t just let this take over my life. i have the right to be happy. 

i feel so alone. :(

chinese food accomplishment!

i haven’t been able to do this since i’ve had my ED. i ordered my usual meal, ate until i was full, put the leftovers away and sat comfortably afterwards. i feel so in control and it’s amazing!

but of course i’m never fully okay. upon returning home from my friend’s new year’s eve party (which was awesome) i had that sunday night anxiety feeling. it’s not even the weekend, so it’s probably because it’s the last of the holidays. there’s too much time right now and not enough stuff to fill it.

meanwhile, i’m pretty sure that the couch i’m currently sitting on is full of negative energy. it’s in this same spot that i usually plop myself down when i’m eating, watching tv, reading or going on my laptop. it’s here that i’ve binged until my stomach was about to burst. it’s here that i curled into a ball of cold bones and settled into depression. it’s here that i sat while i picked my body apart and vowed to stay inside so the public wouldn’t have to see me. it’s here that i practically lost my mind to the ongoing hum of worries and “what ifs”. today, i’ve already had a couple of moments where i wanted to burst into tears. i need to find a new spot or perform some kind of alternative method to rid this area of sadness.

despite my accomplishment, i can sense the waves of anxiety intruding my own brain as my father sits in proximity to me. he hasn’t spoken much and has a depressed look on his face. he indulged in a good amount of chinese food and i don’t think it’s helping him much. if he turns to drinking, i’m outta here. i won’t deal with that mess.

on top of all that, my source of pleasure is reading a book about a bipolar woman. haha i’m totally setting myself up for failure. i should probably take a shower, get dressed, and possibly get out of the house so i don’t make matters worse. spending a day in watching movies may sound great and all, but i don’t think it’ll do much for my current mental state. 

happy new year everyone! stay strong and carry on. :)

helioscentrifuge:

Hey. Don’t just scroll past. Come back and watch this. You need it more than you know.

please watch.

one of my biggest triggers…

is definitely my parents. they way they talk about sugary/fatty food like it’s sinful. they way they eat without talking. the way they’ll hide their own food so no one else eats it. the way they tease each other for what the other eats. the way they talk about the necessity to go to the gym x amount of times a week.

and here i am, trying my best not to scream bloody murder. sometimes i just wanna pack my bags and leave because it causes me so much anxiety. when i was in south africa, i didn’t have to deal with this. everyone ate what they wanted and didn’t give a fuck. there was no judgement shown either. now none of us can reach for anything “unhealthy” without expecting some kind of snide comment from my father. and it is mostly my father that causes me issues. what’s sad is he probably does this because he’s the most self-conscious of his body. go figure.

but i’m taking charge. i’m gradually ridding the house of sweets so i won’t have the temptation anymore. i’m also distracting myself with my usual hobbies of reading and playing piano. soon enough the holiday parties will end and i’ll be eating regularly again…whatever that means. i just wanna get back on track to feeling good about myself. after that, everything else will fall into place. 

can i get a “hell yeah” if you’re just about fed up with all this holiday food…

oh the holidays…

there’s so many parties being held during this time of year, which means excess amount of foods are lurking behind every corner. at first, i was dismissing my anxiety and going with the flow. now, it’s too much. birthday parties, christmas parties, new year’s parties and the usual sunday italian dinners make me feel tempted and obliged to eat like a glutton. i can’t take it anymore. i feel bloated and heavy, which is causing my mind to turn to my old habits. i want to restrict and overexercise, but i know that’s not the answer.

i don’t even want to see my family today because i know it’s going to lead to me eating so much. i’d like to feel good about myself and my body, and i can’t achieve that if i’m constantly overeating. i basically have to get through one more week and then the parties will subside. i’ll then have a window of time to get back into my normal routine before school starts up. 

as for today, i’ll most likely stay home and get my life together. i’ll clean, read and start some job applications. today is going to be dedicated to my own well-being.