that’s right…i’m going to africa this thursday! i can’t believe that it’s only a couple days away. it’s weird…it’s like i can see my life happening up until thursday morning and then after that it’s a total blank. there’s no set plan, and that’s weird for me. it’s terrifyingly exciting.
overall, my summer was a success. recovery-wise, i was able get my eating to a point where i’m ‘overeating’ as opposed to ‘binging’. i now listen to my body and choose the foods that i’m really craving. then once i’m feeling stuffed, i stop. also, i’ve had a lot of great times with my friends and family. they were a big part of my recovery process and i’m so thankful for them. my focus is slowly creeping away from food and moving towards things that are more important. i’m now living my life.
what has been causing me some anxiety lately is my body image. this has been a real battle for me, as the status can go from great to horrible in a matter of minutes. right now, i’m not feeling too good about how i look. you see, i’m stuck between three mindsets:
1.) i want to have a nicely toned, slim body like i used to have when i lost all my weight. i have this ideal image in my head of how i think i should look. i want this body so bad so i can wear all the clothes i want and feel comfortable in my skin. even though i know that this would only lead to disaster, i still yearn for it.
2.) i want to let go of everything. i want to throw all my restrictions and ED thoughts out of the window and eat whatever i want and not give a fuck about how i look. i’m so tired of having to follow rules of diet and exercise.
3.) i want to love myself for who i am, no matter what body size. i want to believe that i don’t need to restrict in order to look good and i don’t need to overeat to feel liberated from my ED.
we all know that #3 is the best choice…and really the only choice to achieve pure happiness. when i’m in this mindset, i feel as if i’m fully recovered. recently, #1 and #2 are fighting back and forth and i can’t even see #3. so my next goal is to spend as much time as possible in #3.
other than that, i haven’t really been depressed this summer. my anxiety has been under control too. every time i start to think about the things i need to get done before thursday, i freak out a little but i’m usually able to bring myself back down to earth. now that i have medication, i’m gonna try it out the next time i get anxious to see how i respond to it. i’m just glad i have that safety net for when i’m in africa and my family/friends aren’t around.
overall, i’m really glad that i made a lot of progress this summer. i wanted to take this time to improve myself so that i’d be prepared for africa. now that it’s almost here, i feel ready.
so i’m signing off for now and will let you all know how i’m doing in AFRICA. ahhhhhhh it’s so surreal. good luck with all of you starting school! byeeeee!!!! :)