it's always darkest before the dawn.

hello again.

it’s been almost week since i posted last. i’ve been kinda hiding away from people. i haven’t been on facebook or twitter and don’t plan to for as long as i can. i’m so annoyed with the idea of people thinking they’re so important that i need an update on their lives every minute of the day. frankly, i do not give a damn, i also haven’t visited my friends and won’t for at least another week. i need a break from people.

after coming home last thursday, i immediately felt much better. being home with my family and living on my own schedule is so nice. no classes, just work. i’ve picked up shifts at my father’s restaurant and will be working as a secretary for my uncle’s business. i’ve also been keeping a journal, which includes my daily intake, choices of meals, gym time, movies i want to watch and a bucket list of things to do before the end of summer. i’m eating carbs, like bread and grains, with my meals and am feeling much more satisfied after eating. (yay!) everything is slowly piecing itself together and building me back up from the lifeless, deflated body i used to be. i’m developing a soul again, the light is finding it’s way into my eyes, a warmth is growing from within my core and the color of my skin is brightening. yes, this woman is showing signs of vitality once again. thank goodness. 

this is a gradual process of course. it’s only been one week, so i still have plenty of time to become whole again. i’m hoping that by the time my brother graduates high school (june 20th) i’ll be mostly back to the happy, free-spirited person i used to be. there will be some bumps along the road, but i’m determined to experience life as it should be. 

my challenge will come sunday when i’ll be attending two parties. you know what that means…FOOD GALORE! i need to control myself and eat a normal amount without binging. yet, i know that if i stay strong, i can fight through anything. a positive mindset goes a long way, believe me.

p.s. sitting outside and listening to music might just be one of the greatest forms of therapy. please try to do this as often as possible. :)

i just want to go home.

but i gotta wait for my roomies to get back so i can say bye to them.

ughhhh impatience. 

leaving today.

like i said, there’s nothing left for me here anymore. everything has died…both in my surroundings and within myself. 

i’m done.

the background picture of my phone says “everything will be ok”. that’s what i’m holding on to right now. the rest will fall into place. right?

whoops.

my friend just messaged me and told me she was sorry but called me out on how i’ve been pressuring her to go out with me before i leave for africa. it’s true. i apologized. now we can move on…

what a day.

after laying in bed for about 5 hours and slowly slipping into madness, i got myself up and went to dinner with my roomie and 2 other friends. i actually felt much better to get out of the room and have something to eat. when i got back to my room, i was still kinda bummed. i checked my grade and it turns out i got a B- overall in my most difficult class. i was really happy with this, but my depression was overcoming me. 

i had a bit of a conflict with my friend tonight. she hinted to my roomie that she was upset that my roomie invited me and another friend to lunch on friday. she wasn’t very okay with this because her and my roomie usually get lunch on fridays with just the two of them. it’s “their thing”. i don’t see why it was a big deal for me and the other friend to go with them since that was supposed to be the last day of the semester that we’ll be on campus. so my friend brushed it off and said it was fine but i knew that how she actually felt about the situation. i said “fine, i won’t go. i know you want it to just be you two.” then i blew up at her because she said to “stop being a bitch about it”. hello!? this was gonna be the last day i’d be able to hang out at my school before i’m off to south africa. but it was such an inconvenience for me to be there for one day!?

so as you can tell, i’m pissed about the whole thing. i may have over exaggerated the whole thing but this meant a lot to me. plus, all the emotions i’ve been going through have pushed me over the edge. after the conflict, i came back to my room and packed up my stuff. i was supposed to stay until friday because we were all gonna drink thursday night. now, i don’t even know what i wanna do. i might leave tomorrow if i’m still in this mood. i am SO SICK AND TIRED of A.) getting my hopes to have a good time and it turning out to be a flop and B.) not feeling wanted. i don’t care anymore. if i end up leaving tomorrow, i’ll be welcomed home by my family, who loves me and actually wants me to do stuff with them. plus, staying here is causing me to want to binge more and more. not to say that the problem will go away once i return home, but my anxiety levels will definitely be lowered.

it’s been a sad day, my lovely followers. hopefully tomorrow is better. i don’t wanna leave on a sour note, especially since i won’t be back until december. this place has nothing to offer me anymore at this point. my classes are done, i’m going to south africa, my luggage is all packed up and i’m ready to go. i only have residuals of hurt and sadness from this past semester. yes, some of it has been nice but it’s been quite traumatic as well.

no more crying now.

i want to be happy again. 

so. burnt. out.

i’m done. with everything. classes, clinicals, exams. i’m done. 

you’d think i’d be jumping around and throwing a party for myself and loving life.

i’m sitting on my bed. alone. playing soft, sad music. 

my body and my mind have shut down. i’m not hungry and i have no energy. i don’t even know what to do.

i feel empty. all of my strength, effort, motivation, knowledge and has been sucked dry from my veins. now i’m just a body that’s frail and weak from the trauma of these past few months.

tired. i am tired.

YAYYYYYYY!

i just finished my last bit of studying and i’m practically done! i just have one exam tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna RAGEEEEEEE! well, i’ll probably lay around without feeling guilty. that’s my idea of fun. 

today was an overall good day though. i took my med/surg exam (the most difficult one) and it actually wasn’t that bad. i just gotta wait for my grade before i can officially celebrate. after going to the gym i changed into a sun dress and felt pretty in it! i had my evaluation with my clinical instructor and i got a B+ which was what i expected. but get this, it was an 89.3. since they round up for grades, i would have gotten a 90 if i had .02 points more! ughhhh i hate 89’s. oh well, i’m not gonna complain over that. it was nice because i got more compliments today on how nice i looked in my dress. seems like all i need to do is put some effort into the way i look and i can get a boost of confidence out of it. i’m gonna have to do this more often.

LAST EXAM TOMORROW!!!! and it’s my psychiatric nursing exam, i definitely can’t screw that up! i’m so excited to finish my classes and actually enjoy my school for a couple of days. i’m gonna become a whole new person now that this stress is lifted off of me. i’ll be a much happier person, that’s for sure. :)

one day at a time.

i took my first final and got a 105! (it was really easy, open-book and there was extra credit.) overall in the class i got an A! so that’s my second A so far. i’ll be getting my med/surg clinical grade tomorrow when i meet with my instructor.

i did a bunch of studying today so now i’m exhausted and can’t hold any more information in my brain. after tomorrow’s exam, i’ll be completely done with the most horrible class of this semester! yay!

guys, today i felt beautiful! i wore a maxi skirt with a tank top and did my hair and make-up. i got lots of compliments, which was nice. even better, i genuinely thought i looked pretty too! i think a big part of how i feel about my body image has to do with how i dress. when i got home, i’m gonna get rid of all the tight-fitting clothes and buy ones that flatter my body better. i’m not a girl anymore, i’m a woman. 

i restricted throughout the day until i ate dinner. the dining hall had pecan pie, which is one of my favorite desserts, so i indulged. at first, i thought that this is what i have to do to recover. i have to make myself happy and satisfied. i felt a little uneasy initially after finishing it but after waiting it out, i was just fine. making progress, people.

i also left a message with my therapist and am planning to make an appointment next week. more progress…

i’ll be feeling a HUGE sense of relief after tomorrow. here’s to hoping that it’ll be as good or better than today. :)

i feel beautiful today.

sometimes all it takes it dressing myself up to welcome a new day.

baby steps, right?

unfortunately, all i want is to be skinny.

but at the same time all i want to do is devour everything i can get my hands on. i’ve been restricting since yesterday and plan to until possibly friday…when i might binge. it’s the perfect “celebration day” because i’ll be returning home. i don’t want to though. i’m gonna feel horrible and disgusting afterwards. i’m only going to potentate the cycle because i’ll want to restrict following the binge. 

so now what?

i could scrounge up some strength and not binge friday. i could start that day as my first day of eating intuitively. but it’s so risky to go outside of my diet even just a little because then i won’t be able to stop myself. 

CYCLE, CYCLE, CYCLE. don’t ya love patterns?

why am i even restricting at this point? i have no big events or anything special to look nice for. and i DEFINITELY don’t have a guy in mind that i’m trying to impress. my family is obviously going to want me to be at a healthy weight when i want to go home. so who am i doing this for? me. i want this power of looking thin and lovely. i can look at my slim self in the mirror all day, stuck in my own little world where life becomes filled with great and wonderful things because i’m closer to resembling a skeleton. but of course, it’s going to lead to my downfall  just like last time. i told you guys already that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. hello, insanity. 

oh yeah…it also didn’t help that my mother told me last week about how good my cousin looked after she lost some weight. this was a trigger for me because she is the same age and height as me. of course we’re going to be compared, even if it’s not said out loud. so i kinda feel this extra pressure to lose weight before i get home so i can at least look just as good as her. it doesn’t matter that i’m doing great in school or going to study abroad in south africa. i gotta be skinny. 

 i know all of this is a big exaggeration in my mind. i can acknowledge that i have a distortion of the way i view myself and the world to some degree. i’m not fat. yet, i fear becoming “average looking”. if i loved myself enough, i’d allow myself to accept what i am. i would eat when i’m hungry and stop when i’m full. i wouldn’t compare myself to others or constantly look in the mirror and point out all my flaws. God made me beautiful and i don’t see that completely. not yet. i hope that upon going home and seeking recovery i’ll be able to believe i’m beautiful. that would be quite nice. 

and the cycle continues.

yesterday i had my last day of clinical. the day was going fine until my clinical instructor found that i forgot to empty out my patient’s ostomy bag. i felt really bad about making the mistake, especially since it was my last day of clinical and i didn’t want to give my instructor a bad last impression. then i became so angry because we were supposed to get out early after lunch but instead stayed longer because we kept getting these stupid offers from the staff to stay longer for educational purposes. i had planned to come back from clinical, go to the gym, take a shower and meet my parents for the study abroad meeting. but as soon as i came back, i had to quickly change and pick up my parents. 

so the rest of the day went great. i got to spend time with my parents, learn more about the trip and spent time with my friends. to celebrate, my parents brought champagne and we drank it in my dorm room. after they left, i went into binge mode. i had been eating junk food throughout the day because they had offered it at clinical and the meeting. it got to the point where i didn’t even want to eat anymore but i pushed myself to finish what i was eating. just to see the bottom of the container. how pathetic is that!?

this morning i felt HORRIBLE. the binge hangover took full effect. but i battled it and went to the gym. and now i’m planning to restrict until i go home. the cycle never seems to end. i want it to though. once i go home and feel like i’ve lost enough weight, i’ll set up an appointment with my therapist and get my life together. i have to start taking care of myself.

i have a heightened risk of developing type 1 diabetes. my mother and grandmother both have the disease and eating disorder behaviors similar to mine. i’ve been preparing myself for the past year for the possibility that i’d develop it soon. but today i received some bad news from my brother. he has been displaying the signs and symptoms of diabetes. i wanted to cry when he initially told me. i thought “no, i’m the one that’s supposed to get it. not you!” in a few day’s he’s gonna go to the doctor to get tested to see if he really does have it. the chances of him having it are unfortunately high. on top of that, he’s upset because  his first “possible girlfriend” told him that she just wanted to be friends. my heart’s breaking for him. he’s under so much stress and anxiety right now. i’m so close to my brother and when he feels hurt, i feel hurt. i just hope everything turns out okay for him. :’(

as for me, i’m gonna go to church tonight and pray. a lot. for my brother and myself. now that i’m not worried about finals, all i want to do is become skinny. and that’s not right. thing is, i still don’t completely want to get better. i want to stay in my own little world where i remain in control by not eating enough and exercise too much. “everything’s cool as long as i’m getting thinner.” that needs to change. 

binge.

ugh.

ew.

why.

good night.

OPERATION PHOENIX: day 5

my day turned from horrible to fantastic.

in the morning i was NOT in a good mood. i had to get up extra early for my nursing tests. on top of that, i felt like i failed them. i was so disappointed in myself and scared for my grades. also, i wasn’t comfortable because i have my period. i was dressed in leggings, which were too warm for the 70 degree weather outside. 

when i came up to my room, i decided to turn into a human. i took a shower, put on a sundress and made myself look cute. i actually thought i looked BEAUTIFUL. then i had lunch and went to my classes. both of them were shortened since they were our last ones. me and some of the nursing students went outside to sit in the sun. it was absolutely glorious. afterwards i met up with my clinical instructor to find that i got a 96 overall for my psych clinical! i was really happy and felt accomplished after leaving. once i got back to my room, i checked my grades from my test earlier that day and i got an 84! i wanted to cry out of happiness. after totaling the scores, i realized i only need a 46 on the final exam to pass the class! WHOOOHOOOO! so i’m definitely going to pass and i’m definitely going to south africa! :D

that made me feel on top of the world for the rest of the night. i had dinner with my roommate and treated myself to a piece of carrot cake. after a bit of unsteadiness, i pulled myself together and felt fine for the rest of the night! then i finished up my study guide and cleaned my room. everything is going just great. i’m so happy.

tomorrow i have my last clinical and meeting for south africa. my parents will be coming, and i’m excited to see them. when talking on the phone to my mom, she hinted at buying a bottle of champagne to celebrate. yeah, my parents are pretty awesome.

i’m just hoping not to fall of the bandwagon with my eating. i’m gonna wanna be in the party mood tomorrow, which makes me binge usually. also, we’re having lunch provided for us at clincial and i don’t know what to expect. i have to be firm though and continue to eat well and go to the gym. i especially can’t lose control before finals. so the plan for tomorrow is to allow myself a little more than i usually do but not go overboard. i’ll jump right back into the healthy eating on saturday. i’m planning on working out friday and saturday so that should keep me on track. 

but back to being happy. i’m gonna have a good sleep tonight and an awesome day tomorrow. life is worth living. :)

OPERATION PHOENIX: day 4

exhausted. 

not too much more to say about today.

oh yeah i have my period. 

tomorrow i have my standardized tests and then i’m on study mode for finals. 

one. more. week.

bedtime.